Life Plans

After I graduated High School, I had a set of goals.  
Here they are (tell me you've had similar ones):
1. Graduate College
2. Get a job
3. Get married
4. Have a baby
These were my life's aspirations.  There is nothing wrong with these goals. You see, amongst this list is a plethora of amazing experiences, unforgettable memories, and opportunities to learn (and to still learn from).
  
I am a Planner.

I want things to go into accordance with MY life plan, my goals, my dreams, wishes, and MY aspirations.  I am by nature a planner, organizer, ON-TOP-of-things kind of lady.  I got it honest (love you mom)!

Let's start from the beginning...#1 on my list.  There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to attend college.  There was no doubt I wanted to be a teacher.  I knew it from an early age (like 9 I think-mom said I used to line up the baby dolls and teach them in my room).  I had a love for children and a drive to succeed.  I met my husband when I was in college, we got married before I graduated, and I accepted a job right before graduation.  #'s 1, 2, and 3 knocked off my list in two years.  I was OK waiting on # 4.  In the meantime, I dipped into my career and people pleased my way through each day.  And I loved it. LOVED.  
#4 came about 3 years later.  And it was hard.  No sugar coating.  Around this time I think life happened for me.  And what I mean by life is God stepped in.

You see, I loved my marriage, my job, my baby.  I loved my life.  After # 4 I had already met my goals.  It's kind of like when you are dating someone and people say "When are you getting married?" You are no longer finished cutting your wedding cake when someone whispers "When are you having a baby?"  And you haven't given birth to your first child when they want to know when the next one is coming.  I am just like "I am trying to get through the first one."  And then what?  What's next?  Yes, the planner was at the point in her life where she had nothing left to plan for.  

The year after my son turned one was a terrible year for me at work.  I had a rough crop of kids but I had lots of parent support.  I don't know if it was still getting used to being a first time mom or the fact that my job was becoming complacent but I couldn't get out of bed.  Seriously, I had depression.  And honestly this went on for quite some time.  One day I was at the doctor's office for my annual check up and I started crying-sobbing about my life circumstances (you know those life goals, aspirations, etc. I so eagerly planned?)
He referred me to a psychologist who originally diagnosed me with postpartum depression (apparently you can be diagnosed with this up to two years after your child is born).  They gave me some medicine and asked me to keep coming back for follow up appointments.  Before this diagnosis I thought people who were depressed were crazy.  I thought people who needed medicine were crazy.  I then labeled myself as crazy.  Some days were bad, I could hardly get out of the bed to take care of my busy one year old.  My husband was a huge help.  He really wanted me to get better so he did everything he possibly could to make that happen.  I didn't really feel like I had those symptoms postpartum mothers said they experienced.  But seriously, I needed help and the medicine wasn't cutting it.  I tried to make changes at work, tried to ask to be moved to a different grade level to change my "situation."  After going to 2 psychologists, I was finally diagnosed with a work-related anxiety disorder (not postpartum depression).  Hold up!  Let's go back to my plan.  Not loving my job was not on the list.  Remember, teaching was my life calling.  Or so I thought.  I tried to make changes around me.  But little did I realize what really needed to be changed was me.

God's Plan for My Life

You see, I married as a non-christian.  Yes, I had been to church, "walked the walk" as so they say.  And so had my husband.  We barely talked about religion before we were married and didn't make it part of our daily life.  As our marriage began to grow and evolve, (tough times in the beginning) God was there for me.  And he's still working on my husband.  He's a whole other post, though.  He's an amazing man, husband, and father and God put us together for a reason.  
Anyway, my husband will not be shy to tell you he is not a believer.  In fact, one of the first couple of years we taught (at the same school), a lady who worked with us was talking to my husband and asked him what church he went to.  He told her he was a non-believer.  Well the very next day this wonderful lady brought him a mug with a card in it for her church.  He dismissed it, but we kept the mug and didn't think much else about it.  After my son was born, my mom prompted me into checking out a church.  I immediately thought of the card and the mug and we decided to try that church first.
So I went with my mom on our first visit.  I wasn't really moved or ready for the "church thing."  I didn't visit the church again until 2 years later, after my anxiety diagnosis. The second time I visited the same church, my wonderful mom came for a visit and I asked her if she would go with me again.  I wanted to see how they did childcare in case I wanted to take my son.  I never planned on going "much" or talking to anyone.  But I needed something and my soul was searching.  After I went to the church with my mom on the second visit, I had enough courage to try it on my own.  So every Sunday, I sat 2 rows back (as to not be distracted by the people in front of me-too many heads and babies) and carried my son with me and I prayed...and I worshipped...and the music moved me...and the Holy Spirit took over me.  God changed me.  

After I had been going to the church about 6 months I made some subtle life style changes.  I was still a baby christian in need of guidance and love.  I found myself wanting and needing God.  I found people around me doubting me and asking a lot of questions I couldn't quite answer.

Case in point-at a friends house.  

Friend: "Does (your husband) go to church with you?"
Me: "No."
Friend; "Who goes with you?"
Me: "(my son)."
Friend: "Doesn't it bother you that your husband doesn't go to church with you? I mean I wouldn't want to go to church if my husband didn't."
Me: "I don't go for him. I go for God."

See.  Subtle life changes; in the way I think, feel, act.  You can't plan for that, but God can.  I am lucky enough that I am so passionate about my God that my husband supports me and my son, even though he is a non-believer (by the way can a sister get a prayer for her husband)?  I believe we are responsible for our own salvation.  I love my man but it's not my plan.  It's God's.  And He's not ready to let my husband be part of my spiritual journey yet.  

I still have plans, and dreams, and wishes.  I have goals.  I also have God.  And I don't have to worry about what obstacles I face or what comes next.  Because God is the ultimate planner of my life.  

Are you in need of an ultimate planner?  Take out your planner or your list of goals.  Pencil him in.  Better yet, make it a PERMANENT marker kind of appointment and let God make plans for you. You can't be your own planner, because God plans for you.  It's not about MY aspirations, dreams, goals...it's about God's plans for ME AND YOU.

How wonderful is it that we don't have control over everything?  What a relief!  Oh and that anxiety disorder?  HEALED! Amen!

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope, In those days when you pray, I will listen.If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13